Your shy child at birthday parties
It’s easy to inadvertently reward them for their shyness
“You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties.” For readers of a certain vintage, you might remember the 1980s Jona Lewie song, lamenting his lack of social graces and his retreat to the kitchen at gatherings.
But it’s not only 80s stars that you’ll find similarly located. Children often hang out in kitchens at kids’ birthday parties. Some do this rather than participating in the fun. Why is that?
Entering a birthday party is very exciting for many children. But for some, it becomes a somewhat overwhelming experience. The kids who are a little bit shy might need to survey the whole situation first, before they go out to where the games are being played. This might make them become a bit clingy with their Mum or Dad.
Often, parents are in the kitchen helping out with the food, or chatting to other parents. Thus, understandably, some children tend to hang out there, while still holding on to their parent’s leg, for dear life.
But it’s not just shyness that keeps some children in the kitchen with adult company. Often that is, by far, the preferred location for the child. The reason is that children will sometimes get much more attention with other adults, rather than with their own peers.
Many times, another adult might ask the child why they aren’t outside with the other kids. Their parent might answer that their child is shy.
But once appraised of this, other parents can go into compensatory actions to make the inside experience with adults just as rewarding as the outside. They might engage the child in more social exchange and ask them a few more questions. Often, adults will make comments to the child on their lovely dress or Spiderman suit.
Additionally, the child might get special treats, such as the first sausage roll out of the oven. Or they might be offered an enjoyable inside activity — such as allowing them to sit in the living room and watch kids TV for a while.
Now, of course, all of this is all done with the best of intentions. But inadvertently, it might make time with adults much more rewarding than time with other children. That risks the child learning that their shyness kind of pays off.
It means that they might make the kitchen their preferred destination. This makes them less socially skilled the next time they head to a party, and again more likely to head straight to the adult group.
Even older children, such as tweens or teens, can sometimes get more conversational attention sitting with adults over children their own age. Often adults engage more with their friends’ children’s comments than other kids will. Thus, children might not need to show the same conversational effort of being interesting and interested as when talking to their peers.
What is a better course of action? First, try to stop telling other people that your child is shy. It risks convincing your child of the idea. When asked why they aren’t with the other kids, simply shrug, or silently mouth the word ‘shy’.
Second, make the kitchen a little boring for your child, to encourage them to think that better things might be going on outside. Make sure the conversation remains adult-interest focussed, and try not to allow too much rewarding attention on your child, so their choice isn’t overly recompensed.
Choose to stand near the children playing, so your child can check out the games and understand what is happening. Or point out a low-key way they can participate.
Don’t pressure them too much and slowly they should gain confidence to become part of the party action.
Takeaway for parents
Further ideas to help them at parties.
· On the way, explain what is probably going to happen in a matter-of-fact manner.
· Maybe practice a few birthday-type games at home and a range of outcomes, with them practicing losing games too.
· If your tween or teen is sitting with the adults, try not to make the conversation on a mature topic; this might make them feel cooler sitting with adults than children.
· When catching up with adult friends, you can tell your older child to sit elsewhere to keep the conversation somewhat adult. You need your socialising opportunities too.
· Leave their devices at home, or they will choose screens over playing with peers.
