Worried about your child or teen?
What to look out for, and ideas about having the conversation.
Parents often express concern about how to have mental health conversations with their child. Or worry about how to notice if their child has overwhelming issues that might be impacting them.
So, what should parents be looking out for? Here’s some things to be concerned about and what to do.
A changed social group
Children draw great comfort from their peer group, as they often feel an important sense of belonging and support from their buddies. Losing contact with friends, changing friendship groups, or a friendship fight, might be a huge impact on them that causes an overwhelming reaction.
Their behaviour has changed
You can expect your child’s personality to alter slightly as they move from childhood to adolescence to the young adult years and start to become more concerned about peers’ opinions than their parents’. Any recent changes to day-to-day life may have also prompted some different reactions in your child. But these changes shouldn’t be too sudden or extreme. For example, if your child suddenly becomes incredibly withdrawn, particularly angry, or doesn’t want to do activities they enjoyed relatively recently, then it’s a good idea to check in with them.
How to check in
Deliberately find a moment to have a non-confrontational, casual-feeling conversation. Ideally at the start of a longer car ride, when walking together, or as you do some task together.
In a quiet moment, ask how they’re faring — ‘How are you going with everything? Are things OK?’
If they confide in you
Your child bringing up their concerns provides a valuable opportunity. It is essential that you listen to their worries patiently and give them an appropriate amount of time to talk. Don’t dismiss their extreme statements, such as ‘I will never get another friend’ or ‘Everything is hopeless’. While you may think that you can minimise their feelings by telling them not to be silly or that they’re overreacting, it can make them feel unheard and less likely to bring up their feelings with anyone in the future.
A better way to respond is to ask more questions about the situation they find themselves in. Try not to get too emotional in this conversation, as they are likely to stop speaking if you become too upset. You want to present yourself as capable to be confided in.
If you are worried about the strength of their feelings, it might be wise to ask them how bad it has ever got for them, and if they’ve ever thought of doing something serious, such as suicide. That’s an understandably uncomfortable question for many; however, research shows that it doesn’t plant the idea in their head, but allows them a sense of relief to talk about it and feel cared for.
If they do say that they’ve thought of this, then let them know you have heard their concern and assure them that you are going to work together, to sort this out. Express confidence to them that the situation can be turned around with the right support and start planning that support immediately with them. Now is the time for reassurance and action — there are some suggestions below.
Praise them for the strength they have shown in letting you know and reassure them that they’ve done the right thing. Continue to keep an eye on them, as you get the necessary help
These are uncomfortable topics, but as the person who loves your child the most, you have to be strong in initiating them. It might be one of the most important conversations you ever have.
Takeaway for parents
There are many places to get help.
· Kids Helpline is a fantastic first point of contact for a child who is struggling. 1800 55 1800.
· Your child’s school counsellor can see your child/family or recommend a local psychologist with expertise.
· To be strong for your child, get the support you need via your own psychological assistance to help with your overwhelming feelings. Speak to your GP to get a referral to a psychologist.
· If you, or a loved one, are at risk of current harm you can present to the emergency department of the nearest hospital to get immediate help.
· If this column has brought up any issues for you, then you can get immediate support at Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636.
