When your teen won’t leave their room
There are the years where children endlessly chatter and want to spend time with you. But things change in the tween and teen years and suddenly you might have a sullen, wordless teen who barely leaves their room and finds everything tiresome. What to do?
A father recently wrote to me of similar concerns about their teenager. Lately, the child had not really participated in family life and taken to rebuffing any suggestion of activity given by the parent.
The dad was torn between ‘punishing’ the child or ‘encouraging’ them, as both strategies had not yielded much success yet. Additionally, the child was late on such a regular basis, it created conflict.
It’s a really common problem, particularly amongst boys. The reason it is so typical is that this is a heightened age of individuation. Individuation is the act of separating a little from their family and choosing solitude or their peers more. It is a normal stage tweens and teens go through on their way to adulthood.
The trickiness of the mid-teen years is that, often, they don’t have the independence of their driving license or endless amounts of time with their peers. So, to get that sense of separateness, they often quarantine themselves in their room, when at home. This makes them feel more autonomous.
But if their daily goal is to be continually separate from their family by being alone, then it risks them becoming increasingly isolated. This is particularly concerning if they are getting caught up in endless screen scrolling and You-Tube videos. It’s a worrying approach that puts them at risk.
And this is probably the main concern about this type of lifestyle — they might start to lead an insulated existence where there’s less social interaction and opportunity to overcome flat or angry moods.
Their adolescent brain is becoming more capable of emotional reaction, but not yet skilled at regulating their moods. This risks them becoming influenced by unhealthy obsessions with detrimental ideas or gurus, or stuck in permanent hopelessness.
Teens being late can also be explained by their self-regulation ability not yet fully formed. But there is an additional impact if the household isn’t really set up in a manner where it is to their benefit to be on time.
Key to turning it all around is putting your tween or teen on commission, not salary. That is, have them earn most of the good things in life rather than getting everything automatically.
Have them earn their internet privileges or freedoms by doing chores around the house. Make sure there’s no credit with this.
Part of this will be the consistent consequences of not getting certain privileges if they don’t do the right thing. For example, for the benefit of being driven to school or the bus stop, they should be at the car on time.
Let them know that if they aren’t, then you won’t drive them. They’ll have to make their own way to school and get the school consequence if they are late.
When with your teen, try not to be desperate for conversational scraps. They need to be broadly polite to get your sustained attention. Don’t keep seeking their acknowledgement of you, if they are scornful or impolite.
Ignore minor moodiness. But if they are particularly rude, then give a brief unemotional consequence, such as an extra chore. You can’t be an ongoing object of their anger.
Finally, it’s important to feel some empathy for your teen, caught between childhood and adulthood. And let’s not forget that for some readers, karma is repaying you for what you were like in your teen years.
Takeaway for parents
Ideas to gently nudge your child into conversation.
· Don’t squander any chances to keep up communication.
· For example, make it a rule that they can’t be on their phone or using headphones as you give them a lift, to encourage casual chat.
· Only provide them dinner if they sit at a table with you to eat it.
· Try and make some of their chores to be done with you — such as gardening or cooking together.
· Be interested more in what they are doing and thinking, rather than telling them what they should be doing and thinking all the time.
