When pushing them to reach their potential becomes pressure
The cornerstone of wellbeing is feeling loved for who you are
Do parents inadvertently place pressure on their child because they are so keen for them to reach their potential? It’s a question I have been pondering recently.
Of course, parents want their child to do well, and it’s love that drives them to push their offspring to achieve great results. But I believe sometimes, with the best of intentions, parents unconsciously place great pressure on children to excel.
Sometimes this is because a child has been given a label that suggests they could be doing very well. If they have had a cognitive assessment that indicated they are highly intelligent, then they might be expected to achieve great heights. This risks making each assessment piece a little more fraught with expectation.
But even without a label prescribed by a professional, there are many parents who independently decide that their child is clever. This makes them think that their child can, and should, do well.
With such a label, minor issues, such as missing a question on an exam, become a bigger deal and overexamined. It is not just academic work where this happens. Many kids have their every sporting move or missed goal overexamined from the sidelines or on the way home from the match. It’s as if the parent has decided they will be a constant commentator on their child’s performance.
Extreme parent effort also impacts their expectations of their child. Sometimes, parents have done enormous work for their child’s schooling. This might be paying high school fees, or getting their child into a specific government school that they had to move house to attend.
When parents put this enormous energy into their child’s schooling, then they may expect their child to be matching the effort. Thus, when a Year 8 or 9 child is doing the minimum amount of work to get their homework done (like many of the same age do) or only receiving average results, this might feel like a slap in the face of the parent who worked so hard.
When children start disappointing by not being exceptional, then parents might let them know. Some might start suggesting that the child should be doing better, even though the child may only be of average intelligence and working to the best of their ability. Tutors or psychologists might get involved unnecessarily.
It would be remiss of me to say there is a teensy bit of ego involved here as well. Parents often boast about their child’s accomplishments and how well they are doing with family and friends, particularly on social media.
And while this is with justifiable pride, I suspect that the more that parents brag in their child’s presence, the more a child feels the pressure bearing on them. Thus the next time they complete an activity, they might feel they need to be successful, to justify a new ‘boast post’.
It is not just parent ego that impacts here. To a certain degree, society places this pressure on parents to make sure their child gets to be a superstar in at least some activity, while on their watch.
But the best of intentions can still have negative outcomes and children today seem to feel more stressed. In fact, I’m not sure that children aren’t feeling pressure inadvertently springing from loving parent actions that unintentionally morph into somewhat extreme demands. Even telling your child they can be anything they want to be, can sometimes become some pressure to be great.
The cornerstone of wellbeing is feeling loved for who you are. For children, that love should not appear to be dependent on what they accomplish. We must remember that.
Takeaway for parents.
Tips to reduce the pressure.
· Stay open to your child’s story evolving over time, don’t pre-write or tell others what you expect to happen.
· Should they want to talk about their game or performance, encourage them to assess their work rather than say your opinion.
· Praise them more for the effort they put in, rather than the results they get.
· When speaking to others, talk more about your pride in your child working hard, rather than their results.
· Be clear that they do their schoolwork for them. If they don’t work hard, they primarily let themselves down, not their parents.
· My book, The Bonsai Child, helps parents get the balance right between loving support and age-appropriate expectations for your child.
