When cyberbullying impacts your home
Imagine your high school daughter comes to you, extremely upset. She explains that recently she had a different opinion to one of her group of friends. She thought it had just been an exchange of ideas. But it’s turned into something different.
Through tears, she explains that the person she differed with has taken it up on social media, emotionally asking a much wider group of friends to say who they think is right. There’s now a long string of comments about your daughter’s opinion.
Some are standing up for her or agreeing with both views. But the majority are siding with her more popular friend. Certain posts are twisting your daughter’s words, or have become very critical of her character.
What do you do?
This is a horrific situation for anyone. It’s particularly impactful in the teen years, when fitting in and friendships are so important. It’s no surprise your child is distressed.
Many parents will want to make that feeling go away immediately by taking her phone away so she can’t see anything further. Or insisting she delete the app. Some parents might even want to approach the instigator or their parents, demanding that they take it down.
All of these are understandable. But they’re not helpful.
Taking your daughter’s phone away is going to make her feel cut off. An ultimatum not to follow any further comments is a risk. If she does view something truly upsetting, she’ll feel she can’t talk to you because she didn’t follow your advice.
Speaking to the instigator or parents might amplify the instigator’s online reactions further. It also risks you becoming the bully.
So, at first, don’t fix it or lecture, but simply listen. Emphasise, and be a calm and reassuring presence for her.
Encourage her not to comment on the post, as it may inflame it all. If she has commented, tell her it’s understandable, but encourage her not to say anything more.
Reassure her that if the post takes a much nastier turn, then you’ll take a different approach. Encourage her to only update the comments when she is by your side, to ensure she is immediately supported.
Remind her that the people saying horrible things, including the instigator, are at fault here. It’s simply reflective of them and not her.
Something you can do now is take screen shots of everything nasty or vilifying, as a record, should you need it, particularly if it happens again. You both might also speak to the school to check their policy for such situations.
Tell her that she should see it as a 24-to-48-hour storm, and any new comments as big waves. Prepare her that when the conversation starts to slow down then the instigator might comment again to keep it going. Assure her that the squall will eventually pass, and you’ll remain by her side through it.
Take photos of the measured and more supportive things being said too. That’s going to be an important reminder that not everyone was against her.
This last advice is the most important. There are many well-known instances of the drastic final measures children or adults have taken in the face of online bullying. Keep checking in to see how she is coping, even beyond the event.
If at any point, she can’t be calmed down, get her help by encouraging her to call Kids Helpline and stay close until you are assured that she is ok. Hopefully it won’t get to that, and it’s just a terrible moment in time.
But what if your child is the perpetrator of such a post? More on that, next time.
Takeaway for parents
In the midst of it, reassure her that she is not defenceless, and she has choices.
· Comfort her that the law is on her side.
· You can choose to report abusive posts to the online service provider.
· In Australia, find out how to do this for each provider at the e-safety guide (www.esafety.gov.au)
· There’s potential criminal prosecution for the service provider or page administrator who allows or encourages the gathering of offensive posts.
· Your next step could be contacting e-safety who can take action to remove posts meeting the definition of what can legally be removed.
