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What to do when your child or coworker gets defensive.
Don’t let them block constructive feedback designed to help them.
Beloved by tweens, teens, and occasionally, other family members or co-workers, the defensive retort is a technique often used as a response to criticism. It’s effective because it often turns the tables on the feedback.
Here’s an example. Imagine your tween is somewhat rude to you and you chide them a little that their comment was inappropriate. They might reply with ‘I’m sorry if you think that was rude, but I’ve had a terrible day and I’m still upset.’
Or your teen has done a very shoddy job of cleaning the kitchen, post dinner, and you ask them to do it again. They might reply with ‘Gee, I’m sorry I can’t reach your terribly high standards, but I’m swamped with assignments right now, and the kitchen is the least of my concerns.’
As the above examples show, the defensive retort usually has two key elements.
The first is a kind of faux or half-hearted apology which suggests that the other person’s emotional reaction is extreme or unwarranted. It implies that the criticiser’s comeback was more at fault than the act that brought on the response.
