Wasted parent statements
These classic parent sayings don’t do much
Parents often make motivational speeches to their child, but sometimes waste their words. The biggest indicator of statements not working is that you have to say the same thing, over and over. If this happens, then it’s been a pointless activity.
Here’s some parent statements that often lack usefulness or influence.
I’m in charge.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, generally, if you need to tell your child you are in charge then you’re not in charge. Things that are known and accepted don’t need to be said. Your manager at work shouldn’t need to remind you they are the boss. The police person coming over to book you for speeding, doesn’t need to remind you of their authority to do this.
Too often, parents need to say this because parental actions have not established the parent as being in charge. They might have overdone yielding to their child in the past, and the child now thinks that they are the boss in the home.
How to overcome this? Start implementing the actions that will get everyone back on track. These include rules and routines, effective unemotional instructions, predictable and not emotionally-charged consequences, and your child doing regular chores.
If that is all in place and working, then things will move along much more harmoniously. That’s because there is not a constant Game of Thrones style battle between you and your child to work out who rules your home.
I was never as rude to my parents as you are.
Again, the desire is understandable with this one. You want to point out that they are not showing the deference that you showed to your parents. And you think that by pointing this out, they will reconsider.
Unfortunately, it rarely works, and I am pretty sure it didn’t work if your parents said it to you. And let’s not forget that sometimes, parents back in the day were much more punitive. You may have been managing your emotions for fear of your parent’s temper. That situation was not ideal, either.
It’s far better to establish the sort of routines and rules mentioned already. Also, stop making life so cushy for them until they are more pleasant, more consistently. By not treating them as the emperor or empress of your house, they will be less inclined to think that their whims trump everyone else’s.
Don’t take that tone with me.
They’ll say, ‘What tone?’ Every. Single. Time. And you’ll get in a very ridiculous argument if you try to explain it to them. Ignore their tone and focus more on their actions.
You are so ungrateful.
I’ve spoken before about the importance of gratitude, but to tell your child to be more grateful is not ideal. Firstly, your choices are your choices and, if you are doing things with a particular response in mind, then you need to share this with your child and have them agree.
For example, if you are paying for expensive music lessons, determine the deal. This might be that they need to practice regularly. Or, if you drive them to the bus stop in the morning, that they need to be ready, polite, and thank you.
If they aren’t doing their end of the deal then, stop providing it. Refuse to drive them until they are on time and considerate. Or decline to pay for another set of lessons until they show sufficient commitment.
As with everything, actions are worth far more than words. Put more effort into your behaviour than your speechmaking, and you may see a better effort from your child.
Takeaway for parents
Here are some much more effective statements.
· “I am not prepared to do this (i.e., drive you to the train) until you do that (i.e., be ready on time). Until you do, you will have to sort it out yourself, without my help.”
· “The way you just spoke to me is unacceptable and you will need to do a consequence (wash the car) before you get privileges back (go to meet your friends).”
· “I can pay for drum lessons, but you’ll need to practice for two hours each week. If you accept the deal I’m proposing, then I can book you in.”
