Therapy can only work if a client has sufficient motivation
If your child doesn’t see their behaviour as a problem, their therapy won’t work
We have normalised children going to therapy for some time now. In fact, these days it is increasingly difficult to see a psychologist, as many books are full, following the pandemic.
I think it’s good that we’ve accepted the idea that sometimes you need formal help to get your wellbeing back on track. But children attending therapy is not always the ideal solution. This is particularly true if the problem isn’t really a problem for them.
Typically, therapy is only useful if the client is motivated to change the situation. To do this, they must recognise that some element of their behaviour is not helping themselves, or others. Also, they need to be sufficiently determined to do the hard work of altering their actions to produce change.
Imagine that a family is concerned that their 13-year-old child is always on their phone. Every time the parents bring up the issue with their child, it ends up in a huge emotional argument. The parents think that something else might be going on with their child, and so they get them to see a therapist.
That all sounds sensible, but it is likely that only the parents see their child’s screen use as problematic. Children aren’t as likely to view it as a problem. In fact, they would see the main issue as being their parents’ nagging or unrealistic expectations.
Typically, children aren’t too keen to decrease their screen use. They need sufficient maturity to see the impact on them or their studies. They also need the necessary motivation to do the hard work of changing their habits.
If a screen-addicted child doesn’t have this, then therapy risks going in an unhelpful manner. Children might justify why they’re on screens and want to focus on what annoys them about their parents in therapy. Thus, it takes a highly skilled therapist to guide them into seeing screens as an issue and motivate them to change their habits.
Likewise, parents might have the issue of their child or teen being regularly argumentative or not following instructions. While it is tempting to send the child to a psychologist to get the child to solve the issue, children would have to understand that what they are doing is inappropriate and feel necessary motivation to change.
If not, treatment has a limited chance of working. Therapy can become somewhat one-sided and just focus on the child or teen’s potentially biased and immature perception of the problem. It doesn’t take each family member’s contribution into consideration.
A more promising approach is the parents getting therapeutic assistance. This will help them set up a better system, via fair rules, rewards, and effective, unemotional consequences for inappropriate behaviours.
Research regularly shows us that parent training is the most effective way of overcoming child issues, particularly when the child is young. This is because parents are motivated and more cognitively capable of implementing change.
Another proven treatment method is family therapy, particularly families with adolescents. This is where the whole family sees the therapist, and all are involved in identifying problems and working on solutions.
Most times everyone is using some bad habits and they all need to adjust their behaviour for the family to work as a team. What helps in this approach, is that the therapist is not just getting one person’s view, and everyone is accountable for change and being part of the solution.
The research for family therapy shows it is often an effective and faster therapeutic approach for a range of issues, including child conduct problems, anxiety, school refusal, and teen substance abuse. It’s certainly worth a try.
Takeaway for parents
How to determine your child’s motivation to alter the situation.
· Pick the right time to have a chat, when everyone is relatively calm.
· Talk to them about your concerns in a measured way without blame.
· Recognise that you are all in a bad pattern and it doesn’t feel good.
· Tell them that you could all see a professional to help you all work better as a team.
· Ask them what they think of that and if they are interested in improving the situation.
· If children justify their behaviour or refuse to go, then parents are best to get parenting assistance as the main way to turn the situation around.
