The dangers of labelling children
Labels are easy but they may limit your child’s potential
Quick question. If you are the parent of more than one child, then as speedily as you can, name the child who is academic. The child who’s a softy. The child who’s well-behaved. The child who’s usually at fault.
Was that hard — or did the answers come quickly? If it was easy then you are likely to be a bit of a human Dymo, or label maker.
If you are, it’s completely understandable. Labelling anyone by their qualities is a cognitive shortcut that’s understandable in busy modern times. By deciding on the talents of the people in your life, then you don’t have to think so hard about who to ask when you have a dilemma. You know which friend will help you with a workplace problem because they’re the ‘thoughtful one’ who’ll help you solve it, or the ‘sassy one’ who will help you kick some butt.
For parents, labelling shortcuts also help demanding lives. You ask the responsible child to turn off the stove when the timer goes off to ensure it’s done, or the athletic one to run to the shop quickly. This classification system can also make it easier when siblings are fighting, as you know which one is likely to be the instigator and which one is usually the victim — that’s less Judge Judy’ing for you to do.
The environment a child is brought up in can have a huge effect on the labels they’re given. If they have a very loud, demanding sibling then there’s likely to be less parental attention going around, so they might get on with it a bit more and generally become well behaved. Or they might decide that given their sibling is so well behaved, they can take on the role of the ‘rebel’.
Parents sometimes encourage this difference. If one child is gifted at something, there’s not as much spotlight left on that stage for another to shine. Parents might encourage other interests to ensure children’s successes aren’t reduced by their siblings’ greater achievements in the area.
Although labelling is all completely understandable, it’s not helpful.
It’s not always accurate. The tags applied to you in childhood are not necessarily reflective of who you really are. You might have been labelled as the ‘bookish, solitary one’, only to find out later that you enjoy sport and other people’s company. Or found out you are much more musical than your clarinet-playing sibling who now rarely even listens to the radio. Who knows what you would have done in childhood if you, or your parent, hadn’t decided that you were a type of child with specific talents.
Self-fulfilling prophesy. Your classification can have predictive qualities because of two reasons. When parents always get the organised child to do things that require responsibility, then they develop their skills even further, while their ‘disorganised’ sibling misses out on the opportunity to improve their skills in being methodical.
There’s also a high risk that parents will make up for perceived shortfalls suggested by a label. So, by continually reminding the ‘lazy’ child of their homework responsibilities, then parents make them even less likely to develop their self-regulatory skills — making them potentially even lazier.
There are easy ways to change labels your child has been given. Start looking for opportunities to praise them for the qualities they allegedly lack, by giving them chances to develop their skill, such as sending them on errands rather than their ‘conscientious’ sibling. Over time, you will be surprised that alerting them to their other abilities starts to bring out those traits even more.
Research even shows this in the classroom. Teachers who were told that a group of averagely intelligent students were particularly clever, brought out better academic skill in them because of the assumption of their aptitudes.
So, there’s nothing wrong with a label, but remember, with some effort, it always can be peeled off.
Takeaway for parents
Other ways to see different qualities in your children.
· Wake up pretending that a giant personality vacuum has sucked up the obvious traits in your children. Then become genuinely curious about what they’ll do, rather than predictive.
· Rethink things. The ‘good child’ might not be the virtuous one — just a more subtle or clever ‘naughty one’ who can taunt their sibling without you seeing.
· Don’t play judge or you will establish labels even more. Both children should get the same punishment for fighting — the one who annoyed, and the one who chose to be annoyed.
