‘Saving’ your child is sometimes the worst thing to do
Allow them to face some challenge
One of the trickiest moments in parenting is when your child is distressed. You might want to do all you can to make them feel better. You might even want to smite down the people or person who made them upset. But before you start righting supposed wrongs, there’s some important considerations to make.
First, really think about what your child is upset about. It’s critical here to work out if the situation is a somewhat normal frustration or disappointment. This could be not getting a spot on a team they tried out for, receiving a discouraging mark despite their hard work, or not gaining a leadership role.
Regardless of how much you think they deserved what they wanted, it is important you put most of your effort into empathising with their situation and being there for them. They need a soft place to land at this point.
Resist every urge to go up to the school and demand your child gets placed on the team or challenge the credibility of the school’s choice or marking skills. In this reaction, basically, you are insisting that the school disappoint another child, or claiming that you know better than the coach or teacher. You also question the school’s intentions in making the correct choice, when schools normally go to enormous effort to ensure they are accountable.
But also, don’t miss the opportunity to help your child gain some benefit from the tricky experience. Encourage them to ask for feedback about what they could have done better. Suggest that they talk to the teacher to learn how to use a criteria sheet in a more effective way, so they know what they need to do to get a better result. This should help, next time.
The second reflection to think about is whether love is making you blind to a failing in your child. Sure, you might think your child is the sweetest, most polite child in the world, but there might be a teacher at school who has seen a different side of them. That might be why your child received a detention or critical comment in their report card.
At the time, your child might deny that they were rude or lazy in class. They might say the teacher has it in for them.
But again, resist the urge to insist the teacher is wrong. Your child denying this might not reflect the truth as much as their resourcefulness in trying to make themselves look better. They’ve stretched the truth, and they should not be rewarded for that.
Challenge any urge to demand the comment or detention is changed. Again, your child might have been pushing it for some time and this consequence is deserved. In fact, it might get them on the right path again.
Most teachers think long and hard before giving out penalties. Maybe your child is a little bit ruder to this teacher. Most importantly, listen at the next parent-teacher session, so the teacher can explain further.
This sit-back approach remains, even if the other person’s standards are extremely high, such as grandparents who expect Victorian-era manners and gratitude from your children. Your child needs to learn to fit in with different expectations. It’s better for them to err on the polite side than dwell on their ‘right’ to be considered impolite.
When do I suggest stepping in? When your child is deliberately targeted, such as being the subject of bullying that will not cease. Even then, I would suggest booking an appointment with their teacher and working with the school and your child to find a solution together.
Takeaway for parents
You can try to protect them, but they do need to slowly learn these things.
· Despite our best efforts, life isn’t always fair, and stuff happens.
· Nothing is perfectly predictable. Sometimes things occur that we can’t foresee, such as rain, or a pandemic.
· Putting all our energy into blame, stops us moving through the issue and getting to the other side of it.
· With most problems, effort should go toward accepting the situation or changing it.
· Sometimes the only thing to change is their reaction — to be one that helps them eventually feel better or accept what happened.
