Parental separation does not always lead to therapy for children
Check they need therapy before you book them in
So, you’ve separated or divorced. And it’s gone ok, but you’re worried about the impact on your children. Do they need therapy asap?
The desire to get help for children after a separation is not unusual. Sometimes a family wants to immediately book in every single child.
It’s somewhat understandable. Many adults worry that the separation has really hurt their family and that children need a safe space to discuss their feelings. They fear that without this support, children are likely to have ongoing mental health issues. But pre-emptively booking in everyone is not the way to go either.
Basically, therapy should be about improving a situation by helping someone to change the way they think or act, or accepting something tricky. In the situation of divorce, helpful therapy is talking it through, then teaching the client to accept things, cope with changed circumstances, and respond to the situation more helpfully.
Here are some tips if therapy is warranted, and who should attend.
When the parent should see the therapist. This is probably the most useful thing to do, if things are tricky. There’s great benefit if parents briefly learn how to coach children into the next stage of family life. Ideally this is with both parents, but can be done with one only.
For example, if your child keeps bringing up their sadness about the divorce, you can learn ways to respond that have them feeling heard but not dwelling on it unhelpfully.
Another reason might be if both parents are extremely different in their parenting approach. This might make it harder for your child to accept your rules. A psychologist could teach you ways to smooth the transition from one home to another.
If you have anger or grief arising from the separation, making the normal parent expectations too much for you, then book a therapist. You might also need to see someone if the other parent is being overtly critical of you in front of the child, to get ideas of how to handle it.
When the child should see a therapist. If there has been violence or extreme arguments where the child feared for their or their parents’ safety, the child might need therapy. If they are showing signs of depression, or the divorce is somewhat toxic, children might need to be able to get some strategies to cope with their mood or the situation.
When it’s not yet necessary. Don’t set up sessions as a precaution unless they’re needed. Have the confidence to see how things go, rather than predict it will go badly. In the meantime, keep your routines and expectations similar, and make sure you continue to spend some quality time with your children.
How to know when to stop. There should be actual problems that are being solved and you should see clear improvements in the situation. If not, ongoing therapy risks producing other problems.
For example, if your child threatens you that they will tell on you to their therapist if you didn’t let them do what they want to do. This would be a sign that treatment has moved on to simple ‘minor complaint chat’, and not solving a pressing issue.
Therapy should be helpful to all members of a family and not encourage one person vs. everyone else. Family therapy helps here — where everyone attends and gets the benefit. It is particularly useful with teens and parents to make sure families work together and adjust well to changed circumstances.
Finally, your wellbeing predicts your child’s wellbeing. Don’t dwell on the catastrophe of your separation as it will make parenting even harder. You’ve done your best, keep thinking about the future for your whole family with positivity.
Takeaway for parents.
It’s not all doom and gloom. Some better news about divorce.
· Research shows that over three quarters of children will have no negative impacts from their parents’ divorce.
· Separation is far better for your child than seeing their parents argue all the time.
· Of course, the upheaval of a family causes an emotional impact for family members.
· But the negative impacts will reduce over time if the family’s economic situation remains good, and their relationships remaining loving.
· The best custodial situation is one where the transitions between homes are relatively easy. Similar rules in both homes help here.
