Let’s not ascribe emotional reasons for kids simply being kids
Imagine you’re running late for work. Not because traffic is bad or something unexpected happened. But because you stayed in bed longer. Or lingered over coffee or breakfast television.
As work has been quiet recently, and you’ve left early twice this week, you feel a little guilty as you arrive to the office 20 minutes late. But rather than getting a stern look from your manager, something unexpected happens. They ask if you’re late because you’ve been overworked recently.
Well, there’s two ways you could respond. You could be honest, ‘No, not due to that. I was just in a bit of a go-slow mode this morning.’ Or you’d take an opportunity. And the opening presenting itself right now is that your manager is providing you a chance. A chance to potentially gain some huge benefits.
You could claim — untruthfully — that, yes, you are at capacity or overwhelmed. And by playing it this way, you might have to do even less work over the next week and get some super appreciation from your boss. These advantages might last longer than a week. As a result, you might be encouraged to lie about the real cause of your lateness.
Now, why is this scenario in a parenting column? I often see parents act in a very similar way to that manager. They might give their child an instruction, such as, “Please put away all the clothes on the floor of your bedroom.’
The child might not feel like following their parent’s request. They might be in a lazy mood or feel a little defiant at the time and ignore their parent.
But unfortunately, when they don’t do what they were asked, some parents might provide their child with a good reason why they aren’t doing it. A parent might say to their child, ‘Are you not cleaning your room because you miss your grandparents?’ Or ‘Are you feeling tired from school?’
And, again, the child then has two choices of response. They can say the truth — that they are simply feeling lazy. Or they can agree with the freely provided falsehood that they do miss their grandparents or are extremely weary.
And just like the workplace scenario, that untruth might give your child a whole host of benefits, including the chance of not having to do too many chores over the next week, or month. Also, they might get lots of sympathy and special attention from their parent. Who wouldn’t grab that golden opportunity?
Why do parents do this excuse providing? Well, it feels better to assume that your child is not following your instructions for an emotional reason. It seems kinder to suppose that they have a somewhat distressing reason, rather than assume that your child is simply feeling a little oppositional or lazy. You can see why parents choose the nicer, more palatable option.
But the trouble is, if you do provide an emotional excuse each time, then you not developing important abilities in them. Being able to kind of ignore or move aside temporary moods to do actions that will bring current or future benefit is a useful skill. And while discussing feelings is important, bringing them up too often risks a child stagnating in them, rather than moving forward.
Of course, if your child’s defiance is completely out of character then you might chat to them about how they are going. But generally, I’d suggest that most times, when kids aren’t immediately doing what you ask them to do, it is simply kids being kids. And another instruction or short-term consequence is probably the best way to proceed.
Takeaway for parents
You can check in with your child but choose a good time to do it, not when they are being defiant.
· Have plenty of opportunities when you catch up in a side-by-side conversation in the car or when walking together.
· Start with some broad questions “How’s school?” Or ‘How are you finding living back in Brisbane?’
· When they do express a strong emotion, listen, and empathise.
· Encourage them to see the pros and cons. This helps acknowledge the benefits too, rather than only dwelling on the costs.
· For example, changing city might have enabled them to meet new friends, but might mean they miss their grandparents.
