Let your relationship with your child change as they become older
They need to become less dependent on you
I hear many parents complain about their upper primary child completely changing almost overnight. ‘They used to want to spend time with me, but now I can’t get them off the phone to their friends’. Or, ‘They once confided everything in their lives, but now I can barely get two words out of them.’
What’s going on?
While it is understandably heartbreaking for a parent to lose some of their sweetest times with their child, it is a developmental stage their child is likely in, and completely normal.
In children’s early years, parents are the most important people in their lives — evidenced by most children wanting to spend time with them and seeking their attention and approval.
But slowly the child needs to move away from this dependence to be able to start the journey to adulthood. Carl Jung coined the term ‘individuation’ for this process, which he claimed as a normal stage of human development. While individuation processes can start to occur when children begin to be comfortable exploring their environment away from their parents, they really start to become obvious at a few stages such as the ‘terrible twos’.
Typically, in Year 3 to 6, children start to want to view themselves as separate beings from their family. In this stage, you might see a child begin to choose their peer friendships over time with their parents. They might be more likely to disagree with the family’s point of view, want to look very different from the way they used to dress, and become less dependent on their parents by doing more things for themselves.
At this stage often comes the eye-rolls, the sighs, and the pointing out of the completely embarrassing way their parents live their lives, such as their lame music and their dorky way of dressing. Children may not want to be seen with their parents because of their obvious lack of cred and cool.
Some parents can react very badly to these changes. They can become desperate to regain the closeness they had by trying to initiate more activities together, trying to limit their child’s times with friends, or even go so far as to become jealous and overly critical of their peer group. It is somewhat understandable, but it produces even more problems for their relationship.
The first issue is that if parents don’t allow their child to gain a little more space and independence in the tween and teen years, then a child will typically seek this through extreme means. The child might become very rude to their parents to feel separate, or be extremely resistant to their parents’ rules, to gain a sense of autonomy.
Worse still, if the parent has put so much effort into making their relationship ideal for the child, the child might remain extremely close to the parent at the expense of peer friendships. Same-aged peers often can’t compete with a one-sided relationship set up between a parent and child. That’s because parent-child relationships often prioritise the child’s needs and opinions. This primarily suits the child rather than the parent, and gives them a false expectation of other relationships similarly catering to them.
When others want a more equal relationship, then over-catered children might elect to stay at home more with their parent rather than go to events with their friends, such as parties or school camps.
Unfortunately, this will stunt children’s independence and maturity even further, and not allow them to undertake the essential rites of passage on the way to becoming an adult.
What do I recommend?
You must allow your child to start to become their own person at this stage. Keep them respectful and maintain sensible rules, but you have to be comfortable allowing them a bit of distance from you on the way to becoming an adult.
Yes, you might miss the special times when they prioritised your company. But it is important to look toward a future relationship with your teen, and eventually adult child, with optimism and excitement.
Tips for parents
Keep spending time with them but adjust the way you do this.
· Try to negotiate new ways of connecting. For example, set up a few times where you do things together such as cook a meal or watch a sporting game or TV show together.
· Connect in the car by not allowing them to use their headphones or scroll through their phone.
· Have similar rules when you drive their friends — car rides are great ways to get to know them.
· Make your conversations more reciprocal — ask them questions about their day, but ensure they ask you questions about your day too.
