It’s not their listening that’s the problem… it’s their doing
‘You’re not listening’ is a statement heard in homes everywhere. It’s usually levelled to children who haven’t followed the instruction to take out the bin, have a bath, or do their homework.
But is their listening truly an area of opportunity, or is something else going on? Here some ways to determine this.
1. Their hearing
Is their ability to listen really the issue? Have you had their hearing formally tested in their early years or recently?
Experts recommend parents have children’s hearing checked every two years or so, up to the age of 10 years old. Have you done this and were there any issues or recommendations? Provided you have got the all-clear or taken the steps to allow them to have their hearing improved, then it is likely that their listening ability is not the problem.
As an extra check, go to an adjoining room to where your child is and say something like, ‘I’m just opening a packet of Tim Tams, I wonder if anyone wants one?’, or ‘Oh, here’s a spare $5 note, I wonder if anyone would like it’. If your child magically appears, then congratulations! Their hearing isn’t an issue.
2. Their attention
The key to giving effective instructions is that they are able to pay attention on what you are saying and aren’t currently mono focussed on something else, such as watching TV, playing a video game, or being absorbed in a book.
When you give instructions are you in the same room as them, and not simply yelling from another room? If they’re sitting on the floor, are you getting down to their level to make sure they are focusing on you?
Are you asking them to look away from what they are doing and look at you so you’re sure they are able to focus? Do they give you a verbal indicator that they’re going to be listening to what you are about to say?
If this is not the case, then it is likely your words aren’t properly being heard by them and your instruction was officially a waste of time.
3. Their understanding
Do they understand the instructions you have given? Was it relatively simple, such as, ‘Put your shoes in your bedroom’ or was it a list of things that they could have forgotten?
Do they know how to do what you are asking them? For example, telling a pre-school child to clean up their room, or ‘be good’, may be an unclear instruction for them.
You may need to state exactly what you are asking them to do, such as pick up all the things on the floor or stop yelling in the bus and sit quietly.
4. Their general compliance
How are they typically with the instructions you give them? Do they do it after one or two requests or do they tend to be a little defiant?
Is the problem you are encountering not one of listening but one of laziness or even refusal? Do you think their reluctance to carry the action out might be deliberate non-cooperation?
5. Consequences
Do they know the typical consequences for not following your instructions? Do they think that it’s likely that you’ll give that consequence after you make the request once or twice, or do they know that you’ll likely say it 10 times or so before the consequence is delivered?
It might be something else, but odds on — the problem is not their listening but their doing. Set up the conditions to make them do as you say the next time. There’re some ideas below.
Takeaway for parents
To get them listening and, more importantly, doing, try the following
· Gain their attention, even get them to look directly at you.
· Give a clear calm instruction and have them acknowledge what you said.
· Wait for them to comply.
· If they do as you say, descriptively praise them.
· If they don’t comply, repeat the instruction calmly and then praise them, if they comply.
· If after two instructions, they haven’t done it, then give them a consequence, such as Time Out or a Chore Set, where privileges are stopped until they perform an additional chore.
· Then afterwards, give the instruction again — the chances are better that they’ll comply this time.
