If they can’t accept constructive criticism, they won’t reach their potential
You child needs to learn to cope with all types of feedback
Are you teaching your child to cope with all types of feedback? Or are you only giving them the nice stuff — praise and applause? Your answer might impact their ability to improve themselves.
A few years ago, I received some odd feedback from a university student I had lectured. As routinely happens these days, students were asked for their opinion on my teaching and the course. One student left a comment — words to the effect that they enjoyed my teaching but while I gave some praise in my comments on their essays, I gave more constructive criticism. They said that the fact that the praise was outweighed by the constructive criticism made them ‘disheartened’.
This feedback was an eye opener for me. It shocked me because it seemed to suggest that the young adult expected feedback to always have more praise than constructive criticism.
It’s not the only time a university lecturer has been chided for not giving enough praise. Over the years I’ve had a few academics tell me their students say that they learn better from praise than criticism. Once this was said, these students then appeared to expect their lecturer to only provide them praise and hold off completely from any suggestion that they could improve.
Some tell me that students have informed them that they don’t cope well with criticism as if it is a fait accompli. (‘I don’t cope well with it, so you’d better not give me any’) I hear about young people saying this at some workplaces around the country also.
How did we get to this? As I recall, I started to see the movement toward more praise when I studied to be a teacher in the 80s. I remember being told that when coaching a child to learn any skill, you must give some positive feedback to keep the student persevering and not feel too discouraged. This made complete sense and most of my peers at the time embraced this approach.
But over time, things have morphed a little. Now, we are in an era of trying to keep students feeling happy and successful all the time, in a misguided effort to improve their self-esteem. And in this environment, we have slowly gone a little bit overboard with the praise and holding back from delivering much, or any, constructive criticism.
The trouble is that some students now don’t know how to receive suggestions for improvement, learn from them, and have a better chance of doing better next time. Often, they blame the teacher or lecturer as being nasty or ‘not liking them’. Sometimes students cling to the effort they put in, as if should always guarantee results. Frankly if you run the wrong way in the race, it doesn’t matter how fast you went, you won’t, nor should you, win.
While praise is important to keep people enthused enough to improve their skills, they also need to be open to receiving suggestions on what to improve. If they are not open to receiving this advice, then they are never going to progress and get better.
I’m not at all suggesting that you need to go over the top with criticism. But you do need to start getting your child used to this sort of feedback and learn how to embrace it appropriately, be thankful for the suggestions, and act on them.
So, the next time before you lavish praise on your child and hold back on any areas for improvement, I suggest you change your approach. Giving some criticism now might give the chance of current improvement. Better still, it might provide a lot more eventual success in your child’s future.
Takeaway for parents
How to give your child feedback.
· Start with some praise but more for things they can control, such as the effort they put in, and the creativity they have showed. This is better than comments on how intelligent they are.
· If there is something they could improve, then let them know with a statement such as ‘Next time you could try…’.
· In the older years, when they ask you for your opinion, let them know that it will involve saying the good things and the things they can improve. Have them agree to that before you give your thoughts.
