Got a wilful young child? Try this.
Got a wilful young child? Two readers have, and recently emailed me. One was where a two-year-old child seems intelligent, but continually wants to throw toys in whatever direction. The parents had tried chastising them, but this wasn’t working.
The second involved a four-year-old who yells loudly, unexpectedly, and hits and kicks their parent and extended family. The child says, “I hate you” and “You’re stupid” and throws things when someone says “No” to them.
While I can’t give tailored advice to anyone without a formal clinical diagnosis, I want to pick up on some themes in these situations.
Firstly, while it might be accurate, I think if parents believe their young child is intelligent, it can risk mucking up their parenting approach a little. Often children are deemed to be clever because they have learnt how to talk like an adult. They might use phrases and approaches that make them sound more mature than they are.
As a result, many parents treat the child as a little older and give them more of a say than they are emotionally ready for. This encourages more wilful child behaviour, because they’ve been clever enough to get a bigger input in the past. This makes them expect more control in the future.
The second observation is that when assessing a child’s behaviour, it’s important to think like a behaviourist. To do this, work out what reward keeps them doing an action. That’s because, typically, people only do things because they work for them.
In the scenarios above, I have no doubt that the children’s actions are giving them attention. Yelling loudly will have everyone suddenly looking at them. Throwing something will have everybody react to them.
Of course, it’s likely to be giving them negative parental attention of irritation and admonishments. But we know that children would prefer negative attention than no attention at all.
Quite possibly when bored or ignored, they get the party started by doing something like yelling loudly or throwing something. Often, they’re playing a game called ‘I throw things on the floor, and you pick them up, and then I throw them again’. It’s an endlessly fun activity for the child, but not so fun for the parent.
For the child who is saying hurtful things such as ‘I hate you’, there’s possibly a different reward. Potentially, they get high levels of hurt emotion or an angry response from the parent.
Also children are likely not to have learnt the self-regulation skills yet to cope with the word ‘no”. Lashing out is a physical manifestation of their anger. It’s not too different to some adults swearing when frustrated.
But hurting someone else is never ok and it needs to be addressed. And they can’t scream or throw things all the time. What to do?
For throwing, leave the toys on the ground or pick them up and put them elsewhere for five or so minutes. Make it longer the next time they do it. Once the child realises that throwing things has them losing them briefly, they might stop.
For yelling, ignore it. When they speak more appropriately, give lots of attention. Also disregard when they say, ‘I hate you’. Your nonchalance will not reward them.
When a child is dealing with tricky feelings, label the feeling and validate their response. That might help them manage their reaction.
For children hitting, there is no other response more proven than Time Out. This is where you are giving them an opportunity to calm themselves from the high emotions they currently feel. Tips on doing this below.
Takeaway for parents
The correct way to do Time Out.
· Use it if they don’t do what you asked, or they hit or hurt you or another.
· Tell them they need to go to Time Out and take them to a chair or step that is close by and a little away from the action or people.
· Tell them they need to be quiet for two to five minutes for Time Out to end.
· Return them if they run away.
· When it is finished, you might give faint praise, but ideally just let them go back to what they were doing in a matter-of-fact way.
