Got a whiny child? Try this.
Do you work with a ‘sigher’? They’re one of the most frustrating co-workers. These are the people whose main form of communicating displeasure is a sound, such as a long-drawn-out sigh.
Often, they will use groans, rolled eyes, or melodramatically distressed vocal tones. They keep this up until someone in the office asks them, ‘What’s wrong?’
And it is that question that was the whole point of their theatrical show. They wanted someone to show an interest in what might be bringing on such non-verbal displays of angst. Now that somebody has officially expressed an interest in what is bugging them, they can go to town. There’s now permission to regale the enquirer about their displeasure with next week’s schedules, or how tired they are after doing the reports by themselves.
Of course, their co-worker asking them what is wrong is ultimately a caring act. But, the way the sighers have gone about getting that attention is a little bit sneaky.
They could have come and delivered a constructively and considerately worded request to a co-worker. This could have been by asking their colleague if they have some time to talk about an issue on their mind. Or, even better, they could have gone to see their manager and asked politely to discuss some concerns they have.
But instead, they have used a childish technique of expressions and sounds with a hope that someone will notice and ask them.
What’s this doing in a parenting column? Often children do similar things. When they ask what’s for dinner, they might do an exaggerated frown that the tonight’s meal is their least favourite dish. Or they might walk around with exaggerated sighs or groans demonstrating general world-weariness about their slightly boring or dissatisfactory day.
Often these actions are inadvertently rewarded by their parents. Their mum or dad might immediately ask them what is wrong. Or see the disappointed response about tonight’s dinner and offer an alternative. Or automatically go in and give them a hug to feel better.
Some children get major benefits out of whining. They might register that putting that tone in their voice gets a little more caring attention from their parents. So they add it in regularly.
One of the major problems with all of this is that it encourages victim-like behaviour in a child. It is not going to be helpful for them in the future. That’s because they’ll tend to look for what is wrong in their day and put the onus on other people to fix it.
Often, kids who were whiny in their youth tend to be slammers in their teen years. Slamming their bedroom door or putting a tone in their voice that seems to be accusing their parents of something or regularly finding fault with them.
It’s behaviour that needs to be addressed. So, what to do?
Try to ignore all bellyaching. Keep doing what you are doing without asking your child what is wrong or offering an alternative.
You’ll know it’s attention seeking behaviour if their sounds get louder when ignored. But keep ignoring their sighs.
If they take it to a point of bad behaviour, address it with a consequence. Avoid asking them for justification, such as why they hit their brother or kicked the cupboard. They’ll probably just give some nonsense about their brother simply looking at them.
When they whine, tell them you can’t understand them. If they stop it, increase your attention toward them, to reward their agreeableness.
Make sure you listen when they bring concerns to you appropriately, and work on determining a solution together. This will encourage them to be considerately communicative.
Takeaway for parents
Try to avoid role modelling similar behaviour.
· Make a habit of constructively discussing issues, rather than using a tone or sound to get people to know you are angry or upset.
· Deliberately do something to put yourself in a better mood.
· A fast way is to think of the good things in your life.
· Think about scheduling regular family meetings as a way of bringing up constructive conversations about anything not working.
· Remember it is up to you to implement systems to get your children doing what they need to do. Sighs and tones won’t do anything.
