Give them a helpful sense of personal agency
Personal agency is an individual’s sense of controlling their experience of the world. When you have a high degree of personal agency you feel more optimistic about your future. This is because you think that if things get tough, you can act in a manner that turns the situation around.
The opposite response is a sense of helplessness that nothing you do will matter and you must accept your lot in life. People who feel this way are more likely to be depressed.
These days, many parents want to give their child lots of choice, to give them a sense of control. For example, they might allow the child to choose which parent puts them to bed, or what takeaway the family buys. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of that.
But sometimes, a child having too much say is not ideal, or not possible. There will be nights where the child’s ‘preferred’ parent cannot put them to bed. Or their desired takeaway meal is not a cuisine the rest of the family enjoys.
Also, children’s preferences aren’t always best, because they’re not thinking of the consequences. For example, they might be choosing an extremely sugary breakfast option, or wanting to play in the deep end of the pool where their swimming skills aren’t sufficient.
If a child is regularly allowed to be in charge of family activity, then often, they don’t learn compromise. This means they’ll be more likely to be less flexible. Children raised this way might not be doing too well in the playground, where successfully playing with others often involves cooperation and negotiation.
Giving them more say might make them think that they need to be perfectly in control to be ok. They might put enormous effort into getting their way. Or they might have huge meltdowns over minor things, such as having their sandwich cut the ‘wrong’ way or being put to bed by the person who is their second choice.
This extreme hesitation to do anything they don’t want to do, might look a little like anxiety. A misdiagnosis like this may encourage the parent to give their child even more say. This perpetuates and strengthens the child’s belief that they can’t cope when life isn’t perfectly predictable and directed by them.
Having too much say will mean that children might not respect adult authority. This makes the teenage years particularly tricky, as these are the years where children want to do risky things.
So, when a parent doesn’t allow them to do unsafe things, the teen might be particularly angry. This will make the argument go on longer than would happen if the child broadly respected the parent.
It’s important to give a child a sense of personal agency. But it’s critical you do it in the right manner. Ideally, they get to choose some things, such as the t-shirt they wear or what they spend their birthday money on.
In addition, parents should set basic rules in the household that a child must follow to get the life they want. Routines help here. In the afternoon, the routine might be that they must have done their homework to do any gaming or playing outside. On holidays, it might be that they’ve first made their bed and unpacked the dishwasher before the day is free for them to enjoy as they wish.
This has the benefit of them learning to respect their parent’s authority, acquire the self-regulation skills of making the right choices now to have a better future, as well as the personal agency of knowing their actions can have a positive impact on their life. That’s three tickets for the price of one admission!
Takeaway for parents
Other ways you can encourage your child to have a sense of personal agency.
· Each year have your child do more things for themselves.
· This can be packing their school bag, making their lunch, getting themselves to school, or doing their laundry.
· Have them learn to cope with unpredictability. E.g., Role some dice to see what family member chooses the movie to watch.
· Allow them to have a bit more say over time, such as what they spend their allowance on, or when they do their chores.
· Encourage them to have their own opinion. Encourage healthy debate rather than shutting down their differing beliefs.
