Getting the whole family in agreement to do chores
Over the past few columns, I have talked about the importance of chores, and essential ideas in determining who should do what. In this final column I discuss explaining the whole system to your family.
The best way to introduce chores — or any major family issue — is to have a family meeting. Set aside a formal time to do this — you don’t want to start this conversation as you walk into a messy kitchen late on a Tuesday night. Aim for a considered approach and everyone’s best attention not divided by homework or tiredness. A few hours on a weekend might be a good idea.
‘The way we do things now is not working.’ Tell your family that the way you currently approach family chores is not to everyone’s benefit. If you wish, mention some recent occasions when the atmosphere has been tense, to illustrate your point, but be careful not to attribute blame.
You don’t want the conversation to begin with an argument so watch your words here. Instead of ‘Charlie is so lazy about unpacking the dishwasher, I am at my wits’ end!’ try a more neutral, ‘Charlie and I keep arguing about the dishwasher and I don’t think it’s good for us to continue this way.’
‘We need to accommodate some changes.’ Changed conditions are a useful means to bring about alterations to the family routine: ‘I am about to go full-time at work’ or ‘You are about to start the rowing season’ can prompt discussion about how to accommodate these changes.
Or draw attention to how your child is growing up. Say that you would like to give them more responsibility and more rights in line with their growing maturity.
Mention the key ideas. Discuss the difference in the chores anyone in the family does for themself, and things they do for the family. Talk about the importance of them increasing their responsibilities as they become older.
Very quickly, get to the benefits of the new system. Be clear that it’s not only about increased work. By completing their own responsibilities and those they do for the family, they’ll earn increased rights and money accompanying those privileges.
Talk about the benefits. There are lots, including no more nagging and fewer fights. Also, children have the chance to be treated as more of a grown up, and deserve more freedoms. But emphasise that they are earning these privileges. And that their actions will determine their rewards.
Work out the details. You should have a list of chores that need to be done, a total amount of time family chores should take, and worked out each person’s fair share.
If you think it will work, do this collation together as a family. It is a good idea for everyone to see how much there is to do and be part of the organisation. You might like to walk around the house together, to be reminded of any tasks you may otherwise forget.
Then work out each person’s fair share of the total chores. My app, Choreezy, does this automatically depending on family members and ages, and number of chores, but you can also determine what you see is a fair share.
Assign tasks. Allow family members to negotiate who does what and, if all else fails, throw a coin to see who choses first.
Consequences. Next, explain the consequences if they don’t do chores — reduced rights that week. Also explain that you won’t be reminding them, as it’s their responsibility to remember. Again, the app will help with this.
Be clear about your rules, such as time to do chores. Clear directions mean less chance for mistakes. A few further ideas are below.
Ok, that’s chores sorted!
Takeaway for parents.
A few other rules to consider.
· They typically do chores regardless of their schedule of assignments or study. Just like you do. And every other adult eventually has to do. And if you step in to help them in a busy time, they take some of your chores on later, as appreciation.
· Each chore has a standard. They’ll need to do it again if it’s not good enough.
· Parents shouldn’t be too perfectionistic — but things need to be clean.
· With this system, the ever-delivering Bank of Mum and Dad is closed.
· They can earn extra money by doing a few more extra tasks.
· Check in the early days and adjust things if there’s any problems.
· Go out to celebrate after your first successful week!
