Changing schools is not always the answer.
With school going back recently, it’s understandable that some children might be grumbling about having to go at all. But sometimes this is more than an occasional protest. Some children might regularly complain about their school to the point of demanding they change schools. Is this move ever warranted?
I think it’s normal for a child to occasionally say they hate school or their particular school. Adults occasionally rethink their workplace at busy or boring times. Likewise, your child might question their daily responsibilities and the school which seems to be the cause of them.
Often school complaints are due to children’s personality. They might be a glass-half-empty type who sees the bad much more easily that the good in their day. They might similarly complain about going to their uncle’s party, or why it is taking so long at the supermarket.
Clinically I find that sensitive or anxious children often believe the grass is greener in another school’s playground. They might see a move as solving their current issue in their friendship group, or might think that they’ll magically be a different person at the other school.
A fresh start can sometimes be helpful. But unless there have been clear strategies put in place prior — such as teaching them better ways to make friends — then a move might not change much. Sometimes they are even more at a disadvantage at the new school, where they don’t have the network they used to have.
Occasionally children get fixated on a certain child or cool group that resides at another school. Often this school might appear to be a little laxer with the uniform rules, or not as academic.
When your child does complain about school, ask a few questions to determine the cause of their opinion. I suggest some questions below, but primarily you are determining if this is an actual, unusual issue, or simply a normal grumble. For example, if they are complaining about doing homework, most schools have it, so it’s not solved by a move.
Be careful that you don’t inflame their fears with agreement. Listening is supportive, but don’t make it worse by adding further complaints about the school in a move to seemingly offer support.
If your child has a specific problem, there’s a few things to do. Firstly, speak to their teacher or year level coordinator. They might know the reality of the situation your child is in, and may have another opinion on the issue. Depending on your child, it might be helpful for them to be at this meeting too.
If you are genuinely contemplating allowing them to move, then it’s important that you ensure they have some skin in the game. By this I mean they need to take some responsibility for the move.
At a minimum, they should be contributing to the cost of change. They should be funding or significantly contributing to the outlay for their new uniforms and textbooks, by doing extra chores around the house.
They should also be willing to incur the other impacts of change, such as taking public transport to the new school and not expecting you to drive them further distances. If not, then it’s a problematic sign of their commitment.
When feeling a little unhappy it’s very easy to be simplistic about causes. Many adults have attributed all their problems to the job they’re in, the city they live in, or their relationship. But, on further examination, other issues might emerge as the true cause.
Likewise, before you allow a move, make sure you examine all factors to ensure it is not a momentary whim that acquires further problems.
Takeaway for parents.
To help determine if it is a minor or major issue at school, ask these questions.
· What is it about school that you don’t like right now?
· How long has it been going on for?
· What makes you think that this school is worse about this issue?
· What will be different at a new school and how will that help you?
· If things magically improved overnight, how would you know? What would be different?
· Have you tried to do anything differently to solve the problem?
· Is there someone you can speak to at your current school to help you?
