A great phrase to address your child’s behaviour issue
To change the situation, you need to change your reaction
Readers may remember a phrase I have use when discussing ways to improve the home situation with lazy adult children. It was, “This situation isn’t working for me anymore”
This phrase is a not only relevant for parents of adult children — in fact, it can be used for parents of tweens and teens also.
Wondering how you can use it for the whole family’s benefit? Well, just as the dictionary gives you ways to use a word in a sentence, I’m going to give you a few ways you can use the phrase to improve the situation in your home with an unruly child.
This whole ‘waking you up every morning’ situation is not working for me anymore. Every time I come in, you yell and carry on. I am a little tired of coming back in, over and over, to remind you to get out of bed, because it takes up so much time and you’re angry at me — even though you have to go to school and I’m just helping you get up in time to do what you need to do to get there. So, we are going to change things. I’ve got you an alarm clock and you’ll need to set an alarm and get yourself up every morning. I won’t be coming in all of the time to wake you, and if you are late then you will have to face the consequences. This means we don’t have to argue, and our mornings should be a little more pleasant. Do you have any questions?
Driving you in the morning is not working for me anymore. I’m actually doing you a favour by driving you to the bus stop or school, and yet you aren’t very pleasant in the car and spend most of the time on your phone or with headphones on. I’m happy to drive you and spend time with you, but I’m only going to do this if you’re ready to go when I need to go, relatively polite in the car through occasional conversation and not just looking at your phone, and somewhat appreciative when I drop you off. If that doesn’t work for you, then you are going to have to get yourself where you need to go, without my assistance. Do you understand?
Reminding you to do your homework is not working for me anymore. I have to tell you at least five times to do it and we always end up in a big argument. You do your homework for yourself — for your results and so you don’t get in trouble. So, given you’re getting older, I think you should be mature enough to manage it yourself and bear the consequences if you don’t do it. The only thing I will check is, if you want to watch any screen in the afternoon or on the weekend, you’ll need to ask me, and I’ll check that you have done your homework before you can. Over time, I’ll stop that too. Do you need any help setting up a routine to remember?
Washing your uniforms is not working for me anymore. Even though wearing the right uniform is your responsibility, I find I’m doing most of the work, such as going through the clothes on the floor of your room to find the dirty uniforms to wash them. And making it even worse, you carry on in the morning if the right one is not hanging in your wardrobe. You’re in high school now and more than capable of using the washing machine. So, I’ll show you how to wash, and from now on it can become your responsibility and things should be better for everyone. Any questions?
There’s just some of the ways it can be used — imagine the possibilities and more harmonious home you can set up. As Tim Gunn would say, ‘Make it work!’
Takeaway for parents.
The best way to talk to your child about a problem in their behaviour.
· State the problem and why it is a problem for you.
· Talk about the impact on your relationship and the family.
· Use their language to describe how they are not taking responsibility for themselves (This is a ‘you problem’, not a ‘me problem’).
· Explain how they need to change their behaviour to improve the situation and what will happen if they don’t.
· Don’t threaten them or become angry — state it all very calmly, to help it go as well as it can.
